I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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