I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
