we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You're like the curious george of whores
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
