Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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