I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
