Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
