please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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