You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
