can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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