my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
