dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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