Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
