just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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