youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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