16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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