you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
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