you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
