Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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