i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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