If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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