apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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