can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
