life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
