She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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