I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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