if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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