just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
