He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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