so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
