its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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