Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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