i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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