New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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