Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We have started to decorate penises.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
