well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
