I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
