I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
