do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
