Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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