I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
