life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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