you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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