Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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