after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
