So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
