my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
