So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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