Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
