Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found the puke drawer
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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