You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
