i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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